Four years. Four years since I hated everything about myself. Four years since every activity of every day was a struggle: getting out of bed, having friends, eating… Four years since I bottled up my depression. Four years since I put on a mask every single day.
Four years since I did not have a will to live, I did not wait to exist, I gave up. Four years… Exactly four years ago today since I attempted suicide.
Four years since God bursted through the gaping holes of my fragile heart and reminded me that my story was not over.
Four years since I have self-harmed. Four years since there were twenty-two scars on my arm. Twenty-two reminders of who I was, who I did not want to be again, but who I needed to remember.
Four years since the start of a new beginning.
Now there are only nine visible scars on my arm. Nine reminders that healing process is a slow process, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Nine reminders that God truly is the Good Shepherd. He cares for us. He desires a relationship with us. He loves us. He has a purpose for us. I would not be writing this to you if He had not spoken to the depths of my soul.
I am not writing this to receive pity or apologies. Suffering is a part of this life. It was a part of a dark season of my life: a season where I strayed for from God that was full of heartache, anger, and pain.
I am writing to tell you that it gets better. I am writing to tell you that you matter, you are loved, and your life is valuable. If you are struggling, please know that God is with you… that if you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, God is there in the darkness, the trials, the sicknesses. I am writing to tell you to put down the razor blades, put down the pills, do not listen to mean comments… You are more than the scars, the trials… Your life is more. I am writing to tell you that the healing process is hard… but it is so worth it. Because you are worth it.
Do not listen to Satan’s lies. They are all lies. You are important.
I am slowly realizing my outer beauty does not have to be extravagant. I do not have to impress this world… because it is not my home. I need to work on my inner self: my heart, my soul. God is working within me. For four years, I have been struggling, working, running the race towards my recovery. It has been a long process. It has been so beautiful though. God has allowed me to see beauty in the ugly moments. He took my brokenness and made it beautiful.
Whatever your struggle is, I am praying for you. I am praying that you realize how valuable you are. If you do not think anyone could love you, know that I was once in your shoes. But I love you. Christ loves you. Allow Love to seep into the cracks and crevices of your brokenness.
Knowing I am loved is why I am still breathing four years later. When I say God is good, I mean it. He is so good. He waited for me, His prodigal daughter, to come home four years ago. I am home, and I have never felt so loved.
This is my story.
This is my song.
Praising my Savior all the day long.
Come home, prodigal child. The Father is waiting with arms wide open.
“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” -John 16:22
“The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with Him in order that we may be glorified with Him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us.” -Romans 8:16-18
“And he rose and came to his father. But while he was still a long was off, his father saw him and felt compassion and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he is lost and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.” -Luke 15:20-24
“For sin will have no dominion over you, for you are not under the law but under grace.” – Romans 6:14
“You will lift my head above the mighty waves / You are able to keep me from stumbling / And in my weakness / You are the strength that comes from within / Good Shepherd of my soul / Take my hand and lead me on” -Shepherd by Amanda Cook